Why not combine the designated driver

Here's an idea.

Why not combine the designated driver and the designated hitter, so that after the 7th inning the designated hitter drives all the drunk fans home.

Two elderly pinch-hitters

Asked the age of his two elderly pinch-hitters - Vic Davalillo and Manny Mota - Los Angeles manager Tommy Lasorda shrugged.

"I don't know but somebody told me they were waiters at the last supper."

Missed first base

On June 17, 1962, in a game between the Mets and the Cubs at the Polo Grounds,
"Marvelous" Marv Thronberry slammed a two-run triple. But while he was catching his breath on third base, Chicago firstbaseman Ernie Banks called for the ball and appealed that Marv had missed first base. The appeal was upheld and he was called out. Mets manager Casey Stengel ran out from the dugout to argue the call until umpire Dusty Boggess said, "Forget it, Casey. He didn't touch second either!"

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Don't let them hit the ball to me

Los Angeles third baseman Pedro Guerrero committed several hard-to-believe fielding errors during one game. This was during the same time that Dodgers' second baseman Steve Sax was undergoing his horrendous and well-publicized fielding slump in which he couldn't throw the most routine ball to first without trouble.

In the post-game meeting, Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda was at a loss with Guerrero. "What are you thinking out there," Lasorda asked.

"Two things," Guerrero said.

"What's the first thing?"

"God, don't let them hit the ball to me."

"And what's the other thing," Lasorda said.

"Don't let them hit the ball to (Steve) Sax."

12-year-old Jeff Maier reached out and caught

12-year-old Jeff Maier reached out and caught a fly ball at the Yankees-Orioles game, causing Baltimore to lose the first game of the playoffs.

This means that Maier has already caught more fly balls than the entire Mets outfield...

Eddie's got it

Pitcher Bill Werle got Bill Nicholson to hit a high infield popup in front of the mound. As trained, he called for an infielder to make the play. "Eddie's got it! Eddie's got it!," he yelled.

Then, he watched the ball fall untouched as catcher Eddie Fitzgerald, first baseman Eddie Stevens and third baseman Eddie Bockman looked on.

Anyone who interferes with the ball

Pittsburgh infielder Gene Freese recalled a day when first baseman Dick Stuart, nicknamed Dr. Strangeglove, had a particularly trying day. Stuart had missed the first three grounders that came his way, but perfectly speared the fourth. However, in his haste to wave off the pitcher, he slung the ball down the right-field line.

"We'd have had the guy at third," Freese said, "But I was laughing too hard."

Pirates manager Danny Murtaugh couldn't resist a jab at Dick Stuart. After the public address announcer warned fans that "Anyone who interferes with the ball in play will be ejected from the ballpark,"

Murtaugh replied, "I hope Stuart doesn't think that means him."

Dog Who Played Baseball

During the local match, a spectator was surprised to see a dog walk onto the pitch and start pitching, eventually striking out the other all star team, and scoring two home runs.

"That's incredible!" he exclaimed to the man next to him.

"Yes," he said, "but he's a terrible disappointment to his parents. They wanted him to be a footballer."

A young lady arrived at her first ballgame

A young lady arrived at her first ballgame during the 5th inning. "The score is 0 to 0," she heard a nearby fan say. "Oh, good," she cooed to her boyfriend, "then we haven't missed a thing."

No Hitter

On July 15, 1973, the Angels' Nolan Ryan pitches his second career no-hitter (and his second of the season), a 6-0 shutout versus the Tigers in Detroit, with a major league record seventeen strikeouts in a no-hitter.

The "Ryan Express" was so on that day, Norm Cash came to the plate with two
outs in the ninth inning and resorts to using a piano leg to get a hit. Home plate
umpire Ron Luciano, nearly falling down laughing at this ruse, makes him use
a real bat. Cash flied out to left-field, ending the game.

Compare Teams

Former manager Alvin Dark was asked to compare teams he managed over the years.

"With the A's we depended upon pitching and speed to win. With the Giants we depended upon pitching and power to win. With the Indians we depended upon an act of God."

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In Texas in the 1960s

In Texas in the 1960s college basketball teams had been integrated, but there was an "informal rule" that you never played more than one black player at home, two on the road or three if you were behind. After Texas Western won the 1966 NCAA championship with an all-black team on the court, defeating an all-white Kentucky team coached by the legendary Adolph Rupp, the rules were rewritten.

Roger Ebert, from his review of "Glory Road"

The strong

The strong take from the weak and the smart take from the strong.

Pete Carril, former Princeton basketball coach

Stupid

We’re not giving away any football players who could hurt us later. I don’t mind people thinking I’m stupid, but I don’t want to give them any proof.

Bum Phillips, Houston Oilers coach

The secret

The secret of winning football games is working more as a team, less as individuals. I play not my 11 best, but my best 11.

Knute Rockne, American football coach

Integrity and fair dealing

"There was a time when the National League stood for integrity and fair dealing. Today it stands for dollars and cents. Once it looked to the elevation of the game and an honest exhibition of the sport. Today its eyes are on the turnstile. Players have been bought, sold, and exchanged as though they were sheep instead of American citizens."

John Montgomery Ward, creator of the baseball Player's League (1889)

One Amendment

"I have to offer only one amendment. In that place where the detective reports me as taking a lemonade at 3am, he's off. It was straight whiskey. I never drank a lemonade at that hour in my life. "

'King' Kelly, spotted in a saloon at 3am by club detectives

Children

"It says, I think, that at root that we're children, or we'd like to be. And the best of us each keep as much of that childhood with us as we grow into adulthood, as we can muster... And even after we're past the point of being able to play the game with any skill, if we love it, then it's like Peter Pan - we remain boys forever, we don't die."

John Thorn, on Ken Burns's "Baseball"

Little Boy

You gotta be a man to play baseball for a living, but you gotta have a lot of little boy in you, too.

Roy Campanella

The Only Thing

"Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing."

Henry Sanders (popularized by Vince Lombardi)

Women of Parkour

Most parkour practitioners are men, but now women are joining the game...

What is the difference between Mel Rojas and UPS?

What is the difference between Mel Rojas and UPS?

UPS knows how to throw a strike.

Take Your Daughter to Work Day

The other day was take your daughter to work day. The Cubs had a fun time, played a little scrimmage against their daughters.

Unfortunately they lost, 15-3.

Oakland Athletics are 32-0

According to the Chicago Tribune, the following statistic was given in the press notes for the June 7 Chicago-Oakland game:

The Oakland Athletics are 32-0 in games in which they have scored more runs than their opponents.

Spring training is very important

Spring training is very important.

It gives all the Dominican players time to learn how to say "renegotiate" in English.

He can't hit my fastball

Before a series, St. Louis manager Frankie Frisch instructed his pitching staff to avoid throwing Brooklyn's Tony Cuccinello a fastball.

Dizzy Dean objected. "He can't hit my fastball."

He begged Frisch to let him throw Cuccinello a fastball. Frisch refused. Finally with the game in hand, he relented. Dean threw Cuccinello a fastball. Cuccinello hit it out of the park.

Dean turned to Frisch. "By gosh, Frankie. You were right for once."

The Englishman comes to bat

A small social club was trying to organize a baseball team. They could only
muster eight players, but were hard put to find a ninth. In desperation, they called on a new member, an Englishman, to join their team.

During their first game, the Englishman came to bat. On the first pitch, he
knocked the ball out of the park.

"Run!" his teammates cried. "For Pete's sake, run!"

The Brit turned and stared at them icily. "I jolly well shan't run," he
replied. "Why should I? I'm perfectly willing to buy you chaps another ball."

Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

The Cleveland Symphony Orchestra was rehearsing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. There is an extensive section where the bass players don't play for twenty minutes of so. One of them decided that, rather than stand around on stage looking bored and stupid, they'd all just file offstage during their tacit-time and hang out backstage, then return when they were about to play. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

On the night of the performance, the bass players filed off as planned. The last one had barely left the stage when the leader suggested, "Hey we've got twenty minutes, let's fun across the street to the bar for a few!"

This idea was met with great approval, so off they went, tuxedos and all, to loosen up. Fifteen minutes and a few rounds later, one of the bass players said, "Shouldn't we be heading back? It's almost time."

But the leader announced, "Oh don't worry, we'll have some extra time - I played a little joke on the conductor. Before the performance started, I tied string around each page of his score so that he'd have to untie each page to turn it. The piece will drag on a bit. We've got time for another round!"

So another round they did, and finally - sloshed and staggering - they made their way back across the street to finish Ludwig's 9th.

Upon entering the stage, they immediately noticed the conductor's haggard, drawn and livid expression.

"Gee," one player queried, "Why do you suppose he looks so tense?"

"You'd be tense, too," laughed the leader. "It's the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied and the basses are loaded."

Little League Conference

Coach Jones called the young lad in from center field during a Little League game for a conference.

"See here Larry," said the coach, "you know the principles of good sportsmanship that the Little League practices. You also know we don't tolerate temper tantrums, shouting at the umpire, or abusive language. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, sir," replied Larry.

"Well, then Larry," sighed Coach Jones, "would you please try to explain it to your mother?"

Blackhawks fire coach Denis Savard after 4 games

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Interested?

"Aren't you interested in football?"

"Only from an anthropological point of view."

Danny, observing a rugby match in "Flirting"

Not Win

"They may not win, but they lose beautifully."

Jake, racing boat designer in "Must Love Dogs"

Time

"We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time."

Vince Lombardi

Practice

The harder I practice, the luckier I get.

Gary Player

Luck

Sure, luck means a lot in football. Not having a good quarterback is bad luck.

Don Schula, Miami Dolphins Football Coach, 1994

Players and Teams

Players win games, teams win championships.

Bill Taylor

Struggle

What counts in sports is not the victory, but the magnificence of the struggle.

Joe Paterno

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PINCH FLAT NEWS

One nice cycling blog. Check it out!

Two boys are playing hockey

Two boys are playing hockey on an inlet on a pond in suburban Chicago when one is attacker by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick and wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to the boy. "Young White Sox Fan Saves Friend from Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Sox fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in Chicago, I just assumed you were," said the reporter, and he began writing again.

"Cubs Fan Rescues Friends from Horrific Attack," he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Cubs fan either," the boy said.

"I assumed everyone in Chicago was either for the Cubs or the Sox. What team do you root for?" inquired the reporter. "I'm a Yankees fan," the child responded.

The reporter turned the page in his notebook and wrote "Little Brat from New York Kills Beloved Family Pet."

Misquoted

After being snubbed from the All-Star game by Boston manager Darrell Johnson, Baltimore's Jim Palmer claimed he was misquoted for calling Johnson an idiot.

"I did not call Johnson an idiot. Someone else did and I just agreed," Palmer said.

A Polak wanted to join an amateur baseball team...

A Polak wanted to join an amateur baseball team. The coach looked him over and decided to give him a chance.

"I will give you three questions," said the coach. "If you come back in a week and answer them all correctly, you're on the
team."

"Fair enough!" said the Polak eagerly.

The coach proceeded, "Here are your questions. First, how many days are there in a week that start with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? And third, how many d's are there in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?'"

Next week, the Polak came back, feeling all confident that he knew the right answers. So again the coach said, "So how many days in the week that start with 'T'?"

The Polak said, "Two!"

"Very good!" said the coach. And what are they?"

"Today and Tomorrow!"

"Hmm... OK," said the coach. "How many seconds are there in a year?"

"Twelve!"

"Twelve? How did you come up with twelve?" The coach was perplexed.

"Well," said the Polak, "there's the second of January, the second of February, the second of..."


"Um.. OK," broke in the coach. "How many d's in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?'"

"Oh, that is easy!" laughed the Polak. "Three hundred and sixty-five!"

"WHAT?" cried the coach. "How did you get that figure?"

To which the Polak sang, "dee dee dee-dee-dee dee-dee...."

Why did the baseball player take his bat ...

Q: Why did the baseball player take his bat to the library?

A: Because his teacher told him to hit the books!

What is the difference between Yankee fans ...

What is the difference between Yankee fans and dentists?

One roots for the yanks, and the other yanks for the roots.

A rookie pitcher

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him. "I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game."

"When is that?"

"Right after the National Anthem."

A conceited new rookie

A conceited new rookie was pitching his first game. He walked the first five men he faced and the manager took him out of the game. The rookie slammed his glove on the ground as he yelled, "Darn it, the jerk took me out when I had a no-hitter going."

Yogi Berra's Catch

A couple of Yogi Berra's teammates on the Yankees ball club swear that one night the stocky catcher was horrified to see a baby toppling off the roof of a cottage across the way from him. Yogi dashed over and made a miraculous catch - but then force of habit proved too much for him. He straightened up and threw the baby to second base.

Future Baseball Star

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.

Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again,

"I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed.

"Strike Two!" he cried.

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully.

He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more,

"I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed.

"Strike Three!"

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world.

What takes longer, running from first base?

What takes longer, running from first base to second, or from second to third?

Second to third, because you have to go through a shortstop.

Why did the baseball player go to jail?

Q: Why did the baseball player go to jail?

A: Because he was caught trying to steal 2nd base!

Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run, r-run will ya!" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused.

A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whisper, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"

New England Temperature Conversion Chart

60 F:
Southern Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in New England sunbathe.

50 F:
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
People in New England plant gardens.

40 F:
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in New England drive with the windows down.

32 F:
Distilled water freezes.
Maine's Moose head Lake's water gets thicker.

20 F:
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in New England throw on a flannel shirt.

15 F:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in New England have the last cookout before it gets cold.

0 F:
All the people in Miami die.
New Englanders close the windows.

10 below zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico.
The Girl Scouts in New England are selling cookies door to door.

25 below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
People in New England get out their winter coats.

40 below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in New England let the dogs sleep indoors.

100 below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
New Englanders get frustrated because they can't start their "kahs."

460 below zero:
All atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale).
People in New England start saying, "cold 'nuff for ya?"!

500 below zero:
Hell freezes over.
The Red Sox win the World Series!

If I could hit the ball that way ...

Bob Gibson, known for his sarcastic wit, caught teammate Curt Flood off guard with a rare compliment as Gibson watched him take batting practice."Way to hit the ball, roomie. If I could hit the ball that way, I'd take off my toeplate and retire from pitching," Gibson said.

Flood smiled.

"In fact, roomie,'' Gibson continued, "If I hit the way you do, I think I'd also retire from baseball."

Why does it get hot after baseball game?

Q: Why does it get hot after baseball game?

A: Because all the fans leave!

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